Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The chowder bar at Pike Place Market- the dark elf novels of RA Salvatore

     "Yes, victory is sweet orc - this is great clam chowder."
     "Charak ja chowder!"
     "Just be careful, you've got it all over your face.  You're going to make fantasy characters look bad. And that's your fifth bowl.  How much can one orc eat?"
     "Kartuk R.A. Salvatore!"
     "For those of you just joining us, I'm Kwellyn Tiamaran and the orc and I are live blogging about the best of fantasy literature from Seattle.  You'd likely be better off starting off at our first post and working your way back here.  The entire town is a little down and under right now- they just lost the SuperGoal or something like that."
     "Yeah, we might as well start discussing our next book, well it's more of a series actually. One of our favorites - the dark elf novels of R.A. Salvatore."
     "Drizzt jabar!"
     "Agree completely with that - Drizzt rocks.  Hey orc, call your crow - he's got his beak in one of the chowder pots.  We're going to have the sanitation board on our backs. Gods, here comes the waiter."
     "Gentlemen, can I get you anything else?"
     "Chowder gorak."
     "Uh sure we'll get you some more chowder.  Hey is that your crow?  He's got chowder all over his beak.  You shouldn't let him eat from your bowl."
     "Good advice there sir.  Have you by any chance read any R.A. Salvatore?"
     "Yeah dude, I'm all over that.  Love the dark elf anti-hero thing.  By the way, those are some really cool facial tats your friend with the crow has there."
     "Shagas char."
     "He says thanks and he likes all your piercings.  Those are actually tribal markings detailing the chief gods who are supposed to protect him and what tribe he belongs to."
     "Dude!  That's intense.  Is it like from Survivor or something?"
     "Uh, no.  It's a ritual scarring and ink thing."
     "Whoa - I'll get the chowder.",
     "Fradabas, ghear charak je."
     "Yeah that's why we both appreciate Drizzt.  He's got that dark elf sexy thing going - though I'd agree that orcs are sexier. But he's dark - oh so dark, actually he's about as dark as you are orc."
     "Batan je batan!"
     "Yeah - always bet on black - I get it."
     "But what we really love is that the series is about friends and loyalty and doing what's right.  Sure it's got nonstop excellent combat - nothing wrong with that - but Salvatore doesn't shy away from the issues."
     "Tprack Obould."
     "And we can't forget Obould and the entire orc king thing.  The possibility of what is perceived as evil, actually being good - or kind of good anyways."
     "Orcs cha je gar."
     "Yeah orcs are people too. Hey where's the crow? Damn, he's down there eating strawberries.  Let's go orc."

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Pike Place market - catching fish and the Silmarillion

     "Look, I'm really sorry there sir.  He's an orc and can't bear to see food wasted.  We'll buy that fish he grabbed."
     "Sure dude.  That was a really awesome catch though.  That huge guy just dove over that other guy's head and snatched the salmon right out of the air!"
     "Yeah he's an orc.  They're quick."
     "Is he eating that salmon raw?"
     "Uh yeah.  I'm sorry about that. Look for those of you just joining us- I'm Kwellyn Tiamaran here with Guthmog the orc and we're live blogging our series on the best in fantasy writing right here in Seattle.  You'd likely be better off starting at our first post or you could just jump in and grab a fish .  We're in Pike Place right now where Guthmog is currently eating extremely fresh salmon sushi."
     "Urkatas devrak meagar la Silmarilion."
     "Yeah sure, I guess you could feed the crow the fish head while we talk about The Silmarillion."
     "Tkratas shvrem meagar Ulmo."
     "Guthmog's favorite character in Tolkien's work is Ulmo Lord of the Waters - he always has to mention that.  But the book is so much more.  Thought of as a rambling mess by some, or an unapproachable morass by others, this book is truly a masterpiece in our authoratative "actual fantasy character" opinions."
     "Sharak devrak quohas.  Otoran gead otoros."
     "Yeah - it's scope is majestic, covering all time across the ages and the essential pathos of what it is to be a living being.  Gods, elves, men, orcs, dragons - it has it all and the themes are deep.  No matter how great or powerful beings may be, greed and lust for power and plain cruelty can ruin everything."
     "Yes it emerses you in wonder - and that's the core of it.  It emerses you deep orc.  Give me five on that one orc.  Oooh you got fish all over my hand!"
     "Sharak damas!"
     "Yeah they're throwing fish again.  Leave it alone this time. OK."
     "Yeah I think I could hit one of those fish with an arrow.  Let me get up on this bronze pig right here and take a shot."
     "Howsa tooq chat!"
     "I'll take that bet! I'll shoot that fish out of the air and pin it back to the wall or I owe you some clam chowder later on in the market.  Oh no, here come's a market guard."
     "Hold it there sir - is that a real bow and arrow? You can't have that in the market."
     "Just a minute officer- we've got a bet going on here."
     "Well, OKthen, but the big guy dressed up like an orc - can't light that pipe.  This is Seattle- we let weird stuff go down sometimes - but no smoking."
     "Sure officer - the orc just likes holding it in his mouth.  Watch this!"
     "WHoaaa! you just shot that salmon right out of the air and pinned it to the wall! That's so cool - but totally illegal.  This must be a movie shoot or something right?"
     "Yeah, right officer. Guthmog let's keep moving. You owe me a clam chowder."
     "By the way officer, have you read the Silmarillion?"
     "Oh yeah, I read it, but it was just a little to deep for me."
     "Urakas domat."
     "What did he say?"
     "He said that's what a lot of people say.  - Thanks officer - see you later."