Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The chowder bar at Pike Place Market- the dark elf novels of RA Salvatore

     "Yes, victory is sweet orc - this is great clam chowder."
     "Charak ja chowder!"
     "Just be careful, you've got it all over your face.  You're going to make fantasy characters look bad. And that's your fifth bowl.  How much can one orc eat?"
     "Kartuk R.A. Salvatore!"
     "For those of you just joining us, I'm Kwellyn Tiamaran and the orc and I are live blogging about the best of fantasy literature from Seattle.  You'd likely be better off starting off at our first post and working your way back here.  The entire town is a little down and under right now- they just lost the SuperGoal or something like that."
     "Yeah, we might as well start discussing our next book, well it's more of a series actually. One of our favorites - the dark elf novels of R.A. Salvatore."
     "Drizzt jabar!"
     "Agree completely with that - Drizzt rocks.  Hey orc, call your crow - he's got his beak in one of the chowder pots.  We're going to have the sanitation board on our backs. Gods, here comes the waiter."
     "Gentlemen, can I get you anything else?"
     "Chowder gorak."
     "Uh sure we'll get you some more chowder.  Hey is that your crow?  He's got chowder all over his beak.  You shouldn't let him eat from your bowl."
     "Good advice there sir.  Have you by any chance read any R.A. Salvatore?"
     "Yeah dude, I'm all over that.  Love the dark elf anti-hero thing.  By the way, those are some really cool facial tats your friend with the crow has there."
     "Shagas char."
     "He says thanks and he likes all your piercings.  Those are actually tribal markings detailing the chief gods who are supposed to protect him and what tribe he belongs to."
     "Dude!  That's intense.  Is it like from Survivor or something?"
     "Uh, no.  It's a ritual scarring and ink thing."
     "Whoa - I'll get the chowder.",
     "Fradabas, ghear charak je."
     "Yeah that's why we both appreciate Drizzt.  He's got that dark elf sexy thing going - though I'd agree that orcs are sexier. But he's dark - oh so dark, actually he's about as dark as you are orc."
     "Batan je batan!"
     "Yeah - always bet on black - I get it."
     "But what we really love is that the series is about friends and loyalty and doing what's right.  Sure it's got nonstop excellent combat - nothing wrong with that - but Salvatore doesn't shy away from the issues."
     "Tprack Obould."
     "And we can't forget Obould and the entire orc king thing.  The possibility of what is perceived as evil, actually being good - or kind of good anyways."
     "Orcs cha je gar."
     "Yeah orcs are people too. Hey where's the crow? Damn, he's down there eating strawberries.  Let's go orc."

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Pike Place market - catching fish and the Silmarillion

     "Look, I'm really sorry there sir.  He's an orc and can't bear to see food wasted.  We'll buy that fish he grabbed."
     "Sure dude.  That was a really awesome catch though.  That huge guy just dove over that other guy's head and snatched the salmon right out of the air!"
     "Yeah he's an orc.  They're quick."
     "Is he eating that salmon raw?"
     "Uh yeah.  I'm sorry about that. Look for those of you just joining us- I'm Kwellyn Tiamaran here with Guthmog the orc and we're live blogging our series on the best in fantasy writing right here in Seattle.  You'd likely be better off starting at our first post or you could just jump in and grab a fish .  We're in Pike Place right now where Guthmog is currently eating extremely fresh salmon sushi."
     "Urkatas devrak meagar la Silmarilion."
     "Yeah sure, I guess you could feed the crow the fish head while we talk about The Silmarillion."
     "Tkratas shvrem meagar Ulmo."
     "Guthmog's favorite character in Tolkien's work is Ulmo Lord of the Waters - he always has to mention that.  But the book is so much more.  Thought of as a rambling mess by some, or an unapproachable morass by others, this book is truly a masterpiece in our authoratative "actual fantasy character" opinions."
     "Sharak devrak quohas.  Otoran gead otoros."
     "Yeah - it's scope is majestic, covering all time across the ages and the essential pathos of what it is to be a living being.  Gods, elves, men, orcs, dragons - it has it all and the themes are deep.  No matter how great or powerful beings may be, greed and lust for power and plain cruelty can ruin everything."
     "Yes it emerses you in wonder - and that's the core of it.  It emerses you deep orc.  Give me five on that one orc.  Oooh you got fish all over my hand!"
     "Sharak damas!"
     "Yeah they're throwing fish again.  Leave it alone this time. OK."
     "Yeah I think I could hit one of those fish with an arrow.  Let me get up on this bronze pig right here and take a shot."
     "Howsa tooq chat!"
     "I'll take that bet! I'll shoot that fish out of the air and pin it back to the wall or I owe you some clam chowder later on in the market.  Oh no, here come's a market guard."
     "Hold it there sir - is that a real bow and arrow? You can't have that in the market."
     "Just a minute officer- we've got a bet going on here."
     "Well, OKthen, but the big guy dressed up like an orc - can't light that pipe.  This is Seattle- we let weird stuff go down sometimes - but no smoking."
     "Sure officer - the orc just likes holding it in his mouth.  Watch this!"
     "WHoaaa! you just shot that salmon right out of the air and pinned it to the wall! That's so cool - but totally illegal.  This must be a movie shoot or something right?"
     "Yeah, right officer. Guthmog let's keep moving. You owe me a clam chowder."
     "By the way officer, have you read the Silmarillion?"
     "Oh yeah, I read it, but it was just a little to deep for me."
     "Urakas domat."
     "What did he say?"
     "He said that's what a lot of people say.  - Thanks officer - see you later."

Friday, January 30, 2015

Lord of the Rings and the Mighty Silmarillion - Pike Place Market

     "Keep the crow on your shoulder orc, no one will mind here - it's Seattle. Hi there everyone! - for those of you just joining us, Guthmog and I -the renowned elf Kwellyn Tiamaran, are live blogging our series on fantasy writing from all around Seattle.  It might be most helpful for you to start at the oldest post and see how it all began- or if you're the more adventurous type - just hop right in and join us."
     "Urakas cha donuts?"
     "Yeah those little tiny cinnamon donuts are right over there.  Look at how they pop out into the oil all nice and hot!"
     "Chavat sas. Lod ud Rings."
     "Yeah, lets discuss the Lord of the Rings while we munch some of these Seattle delicacies. First let me just say that we all bow down before the master.  Tolkien was cool."
     "Shagrat, Gorbag, macrasan rrakash."
     "Yes, it's true - all orcs are bad guys in Tolkien's view.  He got it wrong there, but he was human, wasn't he?  _ Excuse me mam, we'll take two dozen of the cinnamon ones. Thanks."
     "Hey does that guy you're with have a real axe with him? You can't have that in the market.  It looks sharp."
     "Don't worry orc.  Mam, that's not a battle axe.  It's an axe for wood and this is the Pacific Northwest - lots of lumberjack types - you know."
     "Are you two with the Comiccon convention or something?"
     "Yeah, sure we're with the Comic John thing - don't mind the axe and these are great donuts. Come on orc, let's keep walking."
     "Shavat Tolkien little guy horasm khetus."
     "That's what we love about him for sure. There's no chosen one who has to save the day according to some prophecy.  Those chosen guys could just sleep all day and they'd probably fulfill the prophecies.  No, it's tiny little hobbit guys no one has ever heard of who save everyone."
     "Gollum khetus."
     "Yeah and the bad guy Gollum plays a big role - and Frodo and Bilbo's mercy saves them all in the end.  Not just beating up on things - mercy itself."
     "Orcs takwaran fasmul rrakash."
     "Yes, I agree - for being that awesome in theme we can forgive him for always portraying orcs as bloodthirsty monsters.  Hey, what's this? They're throwing fish.  No, orc! Don't catch the fish!"

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrel still at Quinn's Pub

     "You may ask why do we love a book so much that has such a strange title?  No pun intended there."
     "Gha! Shabrat hurak mes ami."
     "Exactly, orc.  Susanna Clarke strikes it on the head with the way magic works in the actual fantasy world and her writing style can't be beat.  By the way I noticed the little French you dropped in there."
     "Bhogwar hurak towar dhshes."
     "Yes, it's a book that at once immerses you in a world and then draws you deeper into the wonder of magic.  Into the possibilities of being alive and what might be just beyond the veil in front of you."
   "Brok orcs o elant sheid."
   "True, there are no orcs in the book and elves are portrayed as rather cruel at times, but that's just the way it is.  Orcs aren't everywhere in fantasy.  Before I ran into you I hadn't seen an orc in almost a century.  And elves can be damn mean at times, trust me."
    "Hey Guthmog, it's your crow.  He's flown in the bar and hopped right on the table for those of you out there in the fantasy blogosphere who don't have a video link to this live blog."
    "Bashu bashu."
    "I don't think you'd better feed him on top of the bar.  He's going to peck the wood to pieces. Damn.  Here comes the bartender."
     "Gentleman, you can't have a crow in here."
     "Bashu woshmar."
     "What did the hairy guy say?"
     "He said that it's not an ordinary crow.  It's a seeing eye crow."
     "Really?  No way that's crazy.  He's not even blind."
     "Oh I assure you, his nose is much better than his eyes."
     "It's making pecking marks in the bar!"
      "We'll pay for those."
      "Is that a sword you have down there."
       "Nope, it's just a cane.  See this white hair?  Isn't this Seattle? You've got a guy who needs a seeing eye crow and an old person who needs a cane.  No big deal right?"
      "Are you two live blogging in here?"
      "Yes indeed and we're currently taking opinions on Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrel."
      "Now that was an awesome book.  I love all the history and the magic and stuff."
      "Bashu Stange Noral."
      "What did he say?"
      "Just that there are a lot of crows in the book and that's a big reason he loved it."
      "Yeah, I guess crows are cool.  Just don't let him light up that pipe.  No smoking in here."
       "Jarat Seattle kal!"
       "What did he say?"
       "Uh, he said, that's cool. Anyways thanks for the beer.  Here's some coin."
       "Is that real gold?"
        "It should cover the damage to the bar.  Come on Guthmog, let's head down to Pike Place and get some of those hot tiny cinnamon donuts.  Our next books are up for discussion."
        "Lad Rangs and Slamn."
        "Yes that would be The Lord of the Rings and the Silmarillion.  We're going to do it all in one go at Pike Place and we're going to get you some more coffee."

An elf and an orc walk into a bar - Quinn's Pub Seattle

     "Ho there, I'm Kwellyn Tiamaran, and my large friend here is Guthmog. You likely know us from A Dark Shadow to Find Us or some other great piece of literature we're featured in."
     "Urak, magran."
     "And one for me too good bartender.  Make it an India pale ale - I'm cutting down on the brandy."
     "For those of you who don't know, the orc and I are at Quinn's Pub, here in Seattle for our long promised discussion on fantasy writing and the books we've enjoyed over the years and centuries."
     "Yumas ta."
     "Well you're right there orc, centuries for me anyway. We've thought about it and who better to comment on the world of orcs and elves than us? We're tired of hearing the opinions of humans about a world best known to us. - Don't bang your fist on the counter orc.  We've got to pay for damages here and that's not cheap wood."
     "Don't worry about it.  Are you going to speak in Orc for the whole time here or what?  I didn't plan on doing all the heavy lifting."
     "Ograpas magran.  Wohas yumas kat."
     "Damn right you've had one too many already.  Look everyone, this orc could speak in iambic pentameter if he needed to.  Willow's even taught him a bit of our tongue. But we thought it would be wise to start at a different bar before getting here, to kind of loosen up a bit for the talk, and the orc's a lightweight."
     "Gha gha gha!"
     "Well you're right - he does actually weigh almost three times what I do, but he doesn't hold liquor well.  We stopped by Starbucks on the way here, but it just wasn't enough.  When he's drunk he just sticks to the mother tongue.  He'll loosen up more later."
     "Now those are some nice looking drinks, I agree.  Here, I'm going to keep yours aside and order some more coffee for you."
     "Yeah well, I'm not planning on translating all your growling, so once you wake up a bit, I'll give it back. Wait - who's this guy with the beard and the superhero costume?"
     "Macratas wohas Seattle."
     "Gods, this is an unusual place- real men who dress up as superhero defenders to protect their city.  They'll serve drinks to anyone here. What's the place coming to? Anyways - let's discuss ground rules first."
     "Shalak groundrules."
     "O.K. I agree with that. There aren't going to be any ground rules.  We'll just tell it like it actually is- two fantasy experts dishing the real truth about fantasy.  No made up BS here - just actual fantasy facts."
     "Ja gratas."
     "Wait a minute - this is really good pale ale. No, no orc - stick to your coffee for now.  We'll get more later.  Oh yeah, one more thing - Willow may be by later to discuss elf chic lit - but she's late and probably will be very late.  Typical."
     "Shalak chas chas."
     "O.K. you're right, no stereotyping females - especially Willow or Rafka.  They're as tough as the rest of us."
     "Cha yumas."
     "Yeah and Rafka's a good looking orc, I agree - and that's no oxymoron. Enough of that.  First book we agreed on that was right on about fantasy - drumroll please orc - no not that hard!"
     "Joh Stange Martar Norl!"
     "That would be Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrel by the amazing Susanna Clark.  We're going to start on one of our favorites."