Friday, January 30, 2015

Lord of the Rings and the Mighty Silmarillion - Pike Place Market

     "Keep the crow on your shoulder orc, no one will mind here - it's Seattle. Hi there everyone! - for those of you just joining us, Guthmog and I -the renowned elf Kwellyn Tiamaran, are live blogging our series on fantasy writing from all around Seattle.  It might be most helpful for you to start at the oldest post and see how it all began- or if you're the more adventurous type - just hop right in and join us."
     "Urakas cha donuts?"
     "Yeah those little tiny cinnamon donuts are right over there.  Look at how they pop out into the oil all nice and hot!"
     "Chavat sas. Lod ud Rings."
     "Yeah, lets discuss the Lord of the Rings while we munch some of these Seattle delicacies. First let me just say that we all bow down before the master.  Tolkien was cool."
     "Shagrat, Gorbag, macrasan rrakash."
     "Yes, it's true - all orcs are bad guys in Tolkien's view.  He got it wrong there, but he was human, wasn't he?  _ Excuse me mam, we'll take two dozen of the cinnamon ones. Thanks."
     "Hey does that guy you're with have a real axe with him? You can't have that in the market.  It looks sharp."
     "Don't worry orc.  Mam, that's not a battle axe.  It's an axe for wood and this is the Pacific Northwest - lots of lumberjack types - you know."
     "Are you two with the Comiccon convention or something?"
     "Yeah, sure we're with the Comic John thing - don't mind the axe and these are great donuts. Come on orc, let's keep walking."
     "Shavat Tolkien little guy horasm khetus."
     "That's what we love about him for sure. There's no chosen one who has to save the day according to some prophecy.  Those chosen guys could just sleep all day and they'd probably fulfill the prophecies.  No, it's tiny little hobbit guys no one has ever heard of who save everyone."
     "Gollum khetus."
     "Yeah and the bad guy Gollum plays a big role - and Frodo and Bilbo's mercy saves them all in the end.  Not just beating up on things - mercy itself."
     "Orcs takwaran fasmul rrakash."
     "Yes, I agree - for being that awesome in theme we can forgive him for always portraying orcs as bloodthirsty monsters.  Hey, what's this? They're throwing fish.  No, orc! Don't catch the fish!"

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrel still at Quinn's Pub

     "You may ask why do we love a book so much that has such a strange title?  No pun intended there."
     "Gha! Shabrat hurak mes ami."
     "Exactly, orc.  Susanna Clarke strikes it on the head with the way magic works in the actual fantasy world and her writing style can't be beat.  By the way I noticed the little French you dropped in there."
     "Bhogwar hurak towar dhshes."
     "Yes, it's a book that at once immerses you in a world and then draws you deeper into the wonder of magic.  Into the possibilities of being alive and what might be just beyond the veil in front of you."
   "Brok orcs o elant sheid."
   "True, there are no orcs in the book and elves are portrayed as rather cruel at times, but that's just the way it is.  Orcs aren't everywhere in fantasy.  Before I ran into you I hadn't seen an orc in almost a century.  And elves can be damn mean at times, trust me."
    "Hey Guthmog, it's your crow.  He's flown in the bar and hopped right on the table for those of you out there in the fantasy blogosphere who don't have a video link to this live blog."
    "Bashu bashu."
    "I don't think you'd better feed him on top of the bar.  He's going to peck the wood to pieces. Damn.  Here comes the bartender."
     "Gentleman, you can't have a crow in here."
     "Bashu woshmar."
     "What did the hairy guy say?"
     "He said that it's not an ordinary crow.  It's a seeing eye crow."
     "Really?  No way that's crazy.  He's not even blind."
     "Oh I assure you, his nose is much better than his eyes."
     "It's making pecking marks in the bar!"
      "We'll pay for those."
      "Is that a sword you have down there."
       "Nope, it's just a cane.  See this white hair?  Isn't this Seattle? You've got a guy who needs a seeing eye crow and an old person who needs a cane.  No big deal right?"
      "Are you two live blogging in here?"
      "Yes indeed and we're currently taking opinions on Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrel."
      "Now that was an awesome book.  I love all the history and the magic and stuff."
      "Bashu Stange Noral."
      "What did he say?"
      "Just that there are a lot of crows in the book and that's a big reason he loved it."
      "Yeah, I guess crows are cool.  Just don't let him light up that pipe.  No smoking in here."
       "Jarat Seattle kal!"
       "What did he say?"
       "Uh, he said, that's cool. Anyways thanks for the beer.  Here's some coin."
       "Is that real gold?"
        "It should cover the damage to the bar.  Come on Guthmog, let's head down to Pike Place and get some of those hot tiny cinnamon donuts.  Our next books are up for discussion."
        "Lad Rangs and Slamn."
        "Yes that would be The Lord of the Rings and the Silmarillion.  We're going to do it all in one go at Pike Place and we're going to get you some more coffee."

An elf and an orc walk into a bar - Quinn's Pub Seattle

     "Ho there, I'm Kwellyn Tiamaran, and my large friend here is Guthmog. You likely know us from A Dark Shadow to Find Us or some other great piece of literature we're featured in."
     "Urak, magran."
     "And one for me too good bartender.  Make it an India pale ale - I'm cutting down on the brandy."
     "For those of you who don't know, the orc and I are at Quinn's Pub, here in Seattle for our long promised discussion on fantasy writing and the books we've enjoyed over the years and centuries."
     "Yumas ta."
     "Well you're right there orc, centuries for me anyway. We've thought about it and who better to comment on the world of orcs and elves than us? We're tired of hearing the opinions of humans about a world best known to us. - Don't bang your fist on the counter orc.  We've got to pay for damages here and that's not cheap wood."
     "Don't worry about it.  Are you going to speak in Orc for the whole time here or what?  I didn't plan on doing all the heavy lifting."
     "Ograpas magran.  Wohas yumas kat."
     "Damn right you've had one too many already.  Look everyone, this orc could speak in iambic pentameter if he needed to.  Willow's even taught him a bit of our tongue. But we thought it would be wise to start at a different bar before getting here, to kind of loosen up a bit for the talk, and the orc's a lightweight."
     "Gha gha gha!"
     "Well you're right - he does actually weigh almost three times what I do, but he doesn't hold liquor well.  We stopped by Starbucks on the way here, but it just wasn't enough.  When he's drunk he just sticks to the mother tongue.  He'll loosen up more later."
     "Now those are some nice looking drinks, I agree.  Here, I'm going to keep yours aside and order some more coffee for you."
     "Yeah well, I'm not planning on translating all your growling, so once you wake up a bit, I'll give it back. Wait - who's this guy with the beard and the superhero costume?"
     "Macratas wohas Seattle."
     "Gods, this is an unusual place- real men who dress up as superhero defenders to protect their city.  They'll serve drinks to anyone here. What's the place coming to? Anyways - let's discuss ground rules first."
     "Shalak groundrules."
     "O.K. I agree with that. There aren't going to be any ground rules.  We'll just tell it like it actually is- two fantasy experts dishing the real truth about fantasy.  No made up BS here - just actual fantasy facts."
     "Ja gratas."
     "Wait a minute - this is really good pale ale. No, no orc - stick to your coffee for now.  We'll get more later.  Oh yeah, one more thing - Willow may be by later to discuss elf chic lit - but she's late and probably will be very late.  Typical."
     "Shalak chas chas."
     "O.K. you're right, no stereotyping females - especially Willow or Rafka.  They're as tough as the rest of us."
     "Cha yumas."
     "Yeah and Rafka's a good looking orc, I agree - and that's no oxymoron. Enough of that.  First book we agreed on that was right on about fantasy - drumroll please orc - no not that hard!"
     "Joh Stange Martar Norl!"
     "That would be Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrel by the amazing Susanna Clark.  We're going to start on one of our favorites."