Thursday, January 29, 2015

An elf and an orc walk into a bar - Quinn's Pub Seattle

     "Ho there, I'm Kwellyn Tiamaran, and my large friend here is Guthmog. You likely know us from A Dark Shadow to Find Us or some other great piece of literature we're featured in."
     "Urak, magran."
     "And one for me too good bartender.  Make it an India pale ale - I'm cutting down on the brandy."
     "For those of you who don't know, the orc and I are at Quinn's Pub, here in Seattle for our long promised discussion on fantasy writing and the books we've enjoyed over the years and centuries."
     "Yumas ta."
     "Well you're right there orc, centuries for me anyway. We've thought about it and who better to comment on the world of orcs and elves than us? We're tired of hearing the opinions of humans about a world best known to us. - Don't bang your fist on the counter orc.  We've got to pay for damages here and that's not cheap wood."
     "Don't worry about it.  Are you going to speak in Orc for the whole time here or what?  I didn't plan on doing all the heavy lifting."
     "Ograpas magran.  Wohas yumas kat."
     "Damn right you've had one too many already.  Look everyone, this orc could speak in iambic pentameter if he needed to.  Willow's even taught him a bit of our tongue. But we thought it would be wise to start at a different bar before getting here, to kind of loosen up a bit for the talk, and the orc's a lightweight."
     "Gha gha gha!"
     "Well you're right - he does actually weigh almost three times what I do, but he doesn't hold liquor well.  We stopped by Starbucks on the way here, but it just wasn't enough.  When he's drunk he just sticks to the mother tongue.  He'll loosen up more later."
     "Now those are some nice looking drinks, I agree.  Here, I'm going to keep yours aside and order some more coffee for you."
     "Yeah well, I'm not planning on translating all your growling, so once you wake up a bit, I'll give it back. Wait - who's this guy with the beard and the superhero costume?"
     "Macratas wohas Seattle."
     "Gods, this is an unusual place- real men who dress up as superhero defenders to protect their city.  They'll serve drinks to anyone here. What's the place coming to? Anyways - let's discuss ground rules first."
     "Shalak groundrules."
     "O.K. I agree with that. There aren't going to be any ground rules.  We'll just tell it like it actually is- two fantasy experts dishing the real truth about fantasy.  No made up BS here - just actual fantasy facts."
     "Ja gratas."
     "Wait a minute - this is really good pale ale. No, no orc - stick to your coffee for now.  We'll get more later.  Oh yeah, one more thing - Willow may be by later to discuss elf chic lit - but she's late and probably will be very late.  Typical."
     "Shalak chas chas."
     "O.K. you're right, no stereotyping females - especially Willow or Rafka.  They're as tough as the rest of us."
     "Cha yumas."
     "Yeah and Rafka's a good looking orc, I agree - and that's no oxymoron. Enough of that.  First book we agreed on that was right on about fantasy - drumroll please orc - no not that hard!"
     "Joh Stange Martar Norl!"
     "That would be Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrel by the amazing Susanna Clark.  We're going to start on one of our favorites."


  1. Great job Hemu. I spent my childhood rolling dice at dungeons and dragons games. Great to see an orc with a sense of humor. Congratulations.

  2. I smiled at the line "No made up BS here - just actual fantasy facts" and am intrigued by "elf chic(k?) lit." Keep up the tongue-in-cheek irony and more jokes about "Jo Bob Elf walks into a bar" please!

  3. Reading this makes me think of sitting around the table, rolling dice as we brought Guthmog, Kwellen and the others to life.

  4. Pictures please! If our bloggers are too shy, maybe some pics of the places and delish food/drink plus the book being discussed?